Seeing In The Dark

You are not alone!

When EPT is not your friend it can bring you to your lowest of lows. The longer infertility hangs over you the darker your everyday life becomes. If you are like my wife then you have two choices of action. These two choices are the same two choices every human and animal has when they are threatened or frightened: fight or flight. You can go to every doctor, bone up on every website you can find, and keep chasing the baby dream until you are successful or come to a natural closure that it may not work. The other option is to bury your head in the sand and try to forget the spectre is there. I do not recommend the ostrich technique.

Women are too often help to a standard that is simply ridiculous. Some in society lead women to believe they need to be a size zero and always have on their celebrity face. When I listen to my wife and how she sometimes felt growing up it really opened up my eyes to media and historical portrayal of women and now I really hate my twentysomething self (I am now 41). So if women are expected to be Angelina Jolie in the daytime and Jenna Jameson in the bed at night whats to be thought of them if they have problems having children due to infertility? Most men never ever consider that they are the hold up. 

My wife talked about her concerns when we were seeing our Reproductive Center but I know my wife and she also did what a lot of women do: suffer silently. That suffering killed me. As men, we want to be able to fix everything for you. When you have a health issue that causes infertility we can feel helpless to be your hero. My wife does not want Superman she wants me flaws and all. It took me years to figure this out. My wife chose to fight infertility and both of us contributed to our problem conceiving. She refused to give in. She lost a ton of battles and I watched her tear herself apart but she did when the war. We had a baby in 2008. I wanted to be the hero and in the end I was already married to a hero.

I beg women that take on this battle to talk and talk often. Find support groups, friends, or hell the dog and just let loose with your problems and feelings. You may find that when you discover that you are not an explorer making a journey no woman has made before but a woman following a well-worn path pelted with the tears of the heroes before you. My wife was a hero to me whether we had our daughter or not. Talking can sometimes relieve so much. Do not get me wrong you may have doubt and sadness but knowing someone(s) there can make things easier.

As a man I was and still am astonished by the support we received from friends, doctors, and strangers. It made the bitter pill easier to swallow. Your partner needs to be there. He needs to know when to listen, talk, and simply hold you. With love and a strong relationship this too shall pass: win or lose. I wish you all the best and know that you are amazing even when you don’t feel that way.


Posted on March 19, 2011, in conceiving issues, infertility, womens feelings and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Great post and it’s so nice to hear this from the man’s side for a change!

  2. Very insightful post! Thank you so much for sharing on our facebook wall. I hope many women and men have the opportunity to read this. If you would be willing to allow us to share this article in our news section on the cnyfertility website, we would love to post it in the guest blog section. If you would like to email me with any questions, please do so. Again, thank you for sharing your insights.
    Christine Briel
    website admin for CNY Fertility

  3. myjourneythruinfertility

    thank you for visiting my blog and for writing such a beautiful peace. i am fortunate to have a great support system but some day I just feel so guilty being the one responsible for all of this infertility mess. dont get me wrong my husband is wonderful, but today I am suffering silence.

    thanks for sharing!

  4. myjourneythruinfertility

    pardon the terrible errors in my comment!! see what happens when you give a teacher a weekend off!

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