Reality Sucks a Ripe Banana

I love reality television. I remember over a decade ago when Survivor first came on and I told my girlfriend (now my wife) that this genre will never last. A little later that same year Big Brother debuted and I was beside myself thinking when will the writer’s strike end so we can get some real television back on? By the time the first season of survivor was have done I was hooked. I was a fan of reality TV but there is one huge problem with reality television: where’s the reality? The unreality of reality TV started with that first season of Survivor. Richard Hatch walked around camp naked as a jail-bird. Technically at the moment Survivor was his job and I do not know too any jobs you could march around naked. If I show up to the office Monday wearing nothing but my smile not only would I be fired but there would be millions of dollars in shrink bills for my peers and an exorcism performed on the office.

Imagine if reality TV was true reality how exciting could life be? When I was single I could only imagine the pressure of dating 25 girls at once. I could not imagine being able to romance them by taking them on never in a lifetime dates all over the world with U2 playing concerts where these women and I are the only audience. I get to kiss them all and maybe have sex with a couple of them but not only does the American television viewing public accept it so do the 25 women. I know this is way too much information but when I was a much younger man I had a chance at a three and shied away so me and 25 women?…..forget it. That only works for Tiger Woods. Actually it did not work out for him either.

There is a reality show I would have loved to have been real when I was a single man. It was called “Conveyor Belt of Love”. It lasted one episode. They literally had your choices to date presented to you on a conveyor belt. MTV had some doozies in the dating realm. They had Date My Mom, Parental Control, and Next to name a few. “Next” being the humdinger of them all. You get a bus load out dating options and you can tell them carry your ass or next at anytime and see if the next option is better. They are never dismissed politely. Imagine you ask a girl out and her response is, “I would date an armless, pirate, with quarter-inch penis before I would go on a date with you”.  Okay so that did happen to me once but the pirate comment went too far. The Real World (insert city here). They choose a few boys, a few girls, some racists, a homosexual or two, and hell once a transgender (I think that is what you called he who is now she ) and no matter what they all end out sleeping together and staying drunk. I’m hiding my daughter.

My favorite reality shows these days are on TLC. “2043 Kids and Counting” or “Kate Plus Eight Plus a Whole Lot of Whining”. Are we suppose to feel bad for the Duggars or Gosselins because a TV Channel will pay to take them on trip after trip after trip to see what shakes loose? How about you have the same show and pay them next to nothing and no vacations? That would be entertainment.  The newest hit is “My Gypsy Wedding”. The show has big chested, moderately attractive, scantily clad teenagers that get married young and only want to be house wifes. Trust me if they were real size women or unattractive there would not be a show because true reality TV rarely has unattractive people on it. The exception to this rule is “The Jersey Shore”.

The truth is NCIS or TOSH 2.0 are more reality than reality TV. Reality TV is what we wish reality was. It’s trash TV but I always wanted to be a trash man. By the way Big brother starts soon so don’t be calling my ass after 8PM on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday or and day ending in “Y”. Keep it real my friends


Posted on June 6, 2011, in funny, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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