Infertility: Never Ever Say That (Questions that haunt us all)
Some may think that you are thin-skinned when faced with fertility issues. Some may think that you are too sensitive. They privately say get over it and move on with your life. I ask them have you ever wanted something that you always thought you would have and many other people have it but for you it seems out of reach. Have you wanted something so bad it hurt you and tightened your chest just to think about yearning for it? You feel like you are on the Island of Misfit Toys and Rudolph is nowhere to be seen. Everything you hear has a little more sting and is a little more personal.
People will test you and not know it. There are some things you should be ready to hear and know that it may be an innocent question. Sex is often a subject those that do not understand the emotions of infertility will bring up. I am going to approach the sex question from the fertility challenged male side. They may say that you at least get the fun of trying. Sex is fun no doubt and an outstanding way to express the deep emotions you feel for one another but after a while fertility sex can seem clinical. You are happy to get the chance to do it but in the middle of passion your mind wanders astray. You ask yourself if you are having baby making sex right. Sex for the sake of sex is easy and fun with a goal of you and your partner feeling good. Baby making sex has long-term goals. When my wife and I were trying to beat infertility we were suppose to have intercourse at a certain time and my Mother In Law told us to go have sex. AWKWARD!!! My friends would tell me they would fill in if I couldn’t get the job and needed help. It sounds like typical guy ribbing but it also cuts to the quick. It makes you feel like less of a man.
This next question that people ask you is a pretty unisex occurrence. People say why not adopt? If the person asking you this already has kids try to figure out a diplomatic way to ask them if they could imagine any child other than their own being their child. If the person does not have a child keep in mind they are in no place to judge because they have nothing to compare it to. They have no voice in your desires.
Here is a great one. “You guys just need to relax and it will happen”. Did you know the cure to most deadly diseases is to relax? Mr. Thornhill you have a deadly case of inverted nipples but if you just relax those suckers will pop back out and you will live. Really? While I am sure it is true that relaxing will sometimes increase the chances of getting pregnant the person making this comment has not had walked your path. That person has not dealt with the series if needle pricks, the blood draws, the worries of whether an implant was going to take or not. The pressure builds.
I once had a friend tell me it was God’s plan. This one bothers me the most. If God created everything I would have to think he or she has better things to do than sit on a heavenly couch and play with my family’s life. We think way too much of ourselves to think God with have that kind of time or interest. Does the person that makes this inane statement to you think that we are reality TV for God. Hell God is still trying to figure out Lost like the rest of us.
People will say all kinds of things to you when you are going through the road to fertility. At the end of the day they do not understand and they rarely mean harm. As hard as it is to do you must put these types of things behind you as best you can. You are amazing already and what your friends do not understand does not define you. Stay strong, you have my love, and good luck.