Hurricanes Make Us Nuts

Hurricanes create some interesting phenomena. I live with my family in Virginia Beach. Irene is only a few miles away and other than a leak developing in a bedroom ceiling all is well. I don’t like hurricanes and can certainly live without them but I love to watch how the community reacts to them. The local news is my favorite when it comes to sensationalizing a gnat taking a dump on a watermelon. We have good local news programs but it is so over done. It begins with the hurricane when it is forming somewhere just south of the planet Mars. The hurricane is days maybe even over a week away from landfall near us and every twenty minutes the local news interrupts me while I am watching my favorite realty show “Half Naked Girls Trying To Get a Date on a Desert Island While Trying to Become a Top Model and Chef” to tell me a storm may be coming. The news gives the viewer these wonderful graphs that show possible tracks the storm may take. They start off by scaring the nipples off of Floridians by saying it may hit them. Then a day or two later they decide to scare the Carolinas by saying it may hit them and bring some pork with it that it sucked up from Puerto Rico. If none of that works they say the storm is Obama’s fault. As the storm does get closer and increases in strength they give it a predetermined spiffy name. I always wondered what the conversation was like when all the weather geeks got together to name the year’s storms. I imagine them bitching about old girlfriends and boyfriends they never had and coming to the conclusion that the best way to get that bastard of a lover back is to name a life threatening storm after them. I think it would be great to name the storms funny names like Breezy or Wendy. Hurricane Skippy would be a great one too. I also like the names Buttmunch, Bugs Bunny, and Speckled Trout. I think if the storms name is ominous then there is a higher likelihood people evacuate. Name one storm Saddam or Osama and people will not need to be told to leave. Maybe we should stick with Hurricane Dick because that’s what these storms are….dicks. Just for the shear hell of it here is a list of storm names retired because they were so destructive.

Atlantic Storms Retired Into Hurricane History

 Agnes (1972): Florida, Northeast U.S.

 Alicia (1983): North Texas Allen (1980): Antilles, Mexico, South Texas

Allison (2001): northeast Texas

 Andrew (1992): Bahamas, South Florida, Louisiana

 Anita (1977): Mexico Audrey (1957): Louisiana, North Texas

 Betsy (1965): Bahamas, Southeast Florida, Southeast Louisiana

Beulah (1967): Antilles, Mexico, South Texas

Bob (1991): North Carolina & Northeast U.S.

Camille (1969): Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama

Carla (1961): Texas

Carmen (1974): Mexico, Central Louisiana

Carol (1954): Northeast U.S.

Cesar (1996): Honduras

Celia (1970): South Texas

Charley (2004): Jamaica, western Cuba, Florida

Cleo (1964): Lesser Antilles, Haiti, Cuba, Southeast Florida

Connie (1955): North Carolina

David (1979): Lesser Antilles, Hispañola, Florida and Eastern U.S.

Dennis (2005): Alabama, Florida

Diana (1990): Mexico

Diane (1955): Mid-Atlantic U.S. & Northeast U.S.

Donna (1960): Bahamas, Florida and Eastern U.S.

Dora (1964): Northeast Florida

Edna (1968) Elena (1985): Mississippi, Alabama, Western Florida

 Eloise (1975): Antilles, Northwest Florida, Alabama

Fabian (2003): Bermuda

 Fifi (1974): Yucatan Peninsula, Louisiana

Flora (1963): Haiti, Cuba

Floyd (1999): North Carolina, eastern seaboard

Fran (1996): North Carolina

Frances (2004): Florida

Frederic (1979): Alabama and Mississippi

Georges (1998): Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Haiti, Cuba, Mississippi

Gilbert (1988): Lesser Antilles, Jamaica, Yucatan Peninsula, Mexico

Gloria (1985): North Carolina, Northeast U.S.

Hattie (1961): Belize, Guatemala

Hazel (1954): Antilles, North and South Carolina

Hilda (1964): Louisiana

Hortense (1996)

Hugo (1989): Antilles, South Carolina

 Inez (1966): Lesser Antilles, Hispanola, Cuba, Florida Keys, Mexico

Ione (1955): North Carolina

 Iris (2001): Belize, Guatemala

Isabel (2003): North Carolina

 Isidore (2002): Cuba, northern Yucatan Peninsula, Louisiana

Ivan (2004): Lesser Antilles, Jamaica, western Cuba, Alabama, western Florida panhandle

Janet (1955): Lesser Antilles, Belize, Mexico

Jeanne (2004): Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Haiti, northern Bahamas, Florida

Joan (1988): Curacao, Venezuela, Colombia, Nicaragua (Crossed into the Pacific and became Miriam)

Juan (2003): Nova Scotia

Katrina (2005): South Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama

 Keith (2000): Belize, Mexico

Klaus (1990): Martinique

 Lenny (1999): Antilles

 Lili (2002): Jamaica, Cayman Islands, Cuba, Louisiana

Luis (1995)

Marilyn (1995): Bermuda 

Michelle (2001): Central America, Cuba, northern Bahamas

Mitch (1998): Central America, Nicaragua, Honduras

Opal (1995): Florida Panhandle

Rita (2005): northeast Texas, western Louisiana

Roxanne (1995): Yucatan Peninsula Stan (2005): Mexico

Wilma (2005): northeast Yucatan Peninsula, Florida

The storm finally makes its way to your doorstep and now the real news monotony begins. The news is the only thing on TV and you are looking at maps that show cities you never heard of that are just around the corner. I never knew there was a Frying Pan, North Carolina but I saw it on a weather map. The news now repeats the same stories over and over. “Okay we are going to Bob in the Outer Banks, Bob how is the weather?” Bob says, “Well Tink it is fucking wet and fucking windy and oh yeah a tree fell down.” “Thanks Bob lets now go to Angie in Virginia Beach.” Angie says, “Well Tink it is calm now but soon it will be fucking wet and fucking windy and that will make a tree fall.” It only gets worse from there. The news is even lazy these days because they ask you to send them pictures and videos of the storm. The storm passes and for the next month the news brags about their coverage of the Hurricane. Whatever happened to just doing your job and not having to brag about it? The next phenomenon is the best. People lose their minds getting ready for the big storm. I work for a grocery chain so I see it all first hand. I work out of the grocery chains office but during the holidays and big weather events I get assigned to help in the stores. I like bagging groceries because I love talking to my fellow employees and our customers. I get a kick out of the things people buy for hurricane preparation. The very first customer I helped bought Hurricane beer for his preparation kit. It was beer called Hurricane…too funny. Beer is a staple for any family’s storm kit or at least that is what I saw this week. The essentials are funny too. Folks who never use bread and water on a regular basis suddenly buy it by the pallet. Why does a one child family need 10 cases of water and eleven loaves of bread? I also learned that if the power goes out one can sustain themselves for long periods of time Oreos, Lays, and potted meat. That sounds like a dream diet but I think it would ultimately fail you and give you the raspberry squirts. One guy bought a bunch of canned octopus, now that’s living. I think everyone either loses their flashlights every year or they believe them to be disposable because before every storm everyone in town rushes to buy a flashlight. The customers were great. My wife daughter and I had some family time together before the storm. I have lived in Virginia Beach for over 40 years. I grew up three blocks from the ocean. When I was on the police department I drove ATV’s on the beachfront. Part of my duties during hurricanes was to keep people out of the water and if possible off of the beach. I was sometimes feeling I was too busy to take a picture with a tourist’s kid on my department ATV (although I always obliged). I thought the folks that went to the beach before a storm hit were bonkers in the head. The day before Irene hit I went against all I use to believe and I not only took my wife and daughter to the beach but I got a picture of my daughter on the life guards ATV and walked in ankle-deep ocean water with her. Who’s bonkers now? I took a bunch of pictures and pretty much became all I laughed at in the past. I went to the grocery store-bought bread, water, and a flashlight. I did however forgo the canned octopus and Hurricane beer. Be safe all and I love you to pieces.


Posted on August 28, 2011, in funny, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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