Infertility: A Mans Role

     Okay my brothers in infertility this is for you. You and your wife have been challenged by the infertility spectre. You have gone through the common steps. Once the two of you decided to go for it and grow your family you went at each other like Energizer bunnies. Every chance you were given to “practice” you took advantage of. In your head it is only a matter of time before your baby mission is accomplished. After that you get to give out the cigars both bubble gum and tobacco flavored that have inscribed on the side “It’s a …insert babies sex here” but then you begin to realize that nothing is happening. You and you partner decide it is time to see a doctor. The doctor gives you options to consider and after arming yourself with the medical information you pick an infertile journey to conquer. For the sake of argument we will say that the reason for the infertility is on your partners side. There are many things you should avoid saying and doing.
Have you ever had a moment where your loved one was going through something that you could not fix and it was tearing you apart. Men hate to feel helpless. When your wife or girlfriend are going through infertility issues they feel the same thing. When a women cannot have a child the natural way they feel insignificant and less of a women. They often will think that they let you down. Most women want to please the ones they love at all costs and feel like they are a disappointment if they are not able to. This is not to say that women are subservient to men or only feel worth when they are satisfying their man but it is very natural for a women emotionally to want to meet all her mans perceived needs. When infertility releases this unfortunate chain of emotion you must become her rock. When your loved one is at her weakest you need to not only listen to her but listen for her. When my wife and I were going through infertility treatments I went to as many doctor appointments as possible. I found it good to have two sets of ears in the appointments. She may not hear everything a doctor says when she is stressed out in a fertility clinic facing the things that are making her feel so down.  Knowing what the doctor said was going on make it easier for me to understand my wife and the process. You have to get involved. Going to a female doctor appointment is intimidating but it could make your wife or girlfriend feel so much better because you are showing your dedication to the process she is going through for the both of you. It is very important to reinforce your love for her. Remind her of the things you fell in love with. Remind her you did not marry her for her reproductive system.
     Now when it come to fertility sex it can become clinical at times when you are trying to have a child. This happens particularly often when sex is being timed or scheduled. Try to keep it fresh. You do not need to talk about why you are making love at the moment. Tell her you love her and tell her often. If she has been asked by her doctor to follow some sort of procedure after sex then hang in there with her and make it fun. Talk to her and tell her thank you for putting herself out there. Ask yourself if you would do everything she is doing to have a child. Communication is everything.
    Hopefully the worse case scenario never happens. The worse case scenario is losing a baby. There are no easy answers. I chose to listen to exactly what my wife wanted. She wanted to be left alone. I gave what she wanted and it was hard but I did not let it linger. After a while I gently tried to interject my voice into her head. There is only one thing you can tell, “I love you”.
      Guys our role is to listen, love, and support them. That is the most we can do. Be a bigger version of yourself. Make sure they know that it will be okay and no matter the result of your pregnancy endeavours your relationship will be fine. Hang in there boys and good luck. The juice is worth the squeeze.


I live in Virginia Beach with my wife and daughter. We went through a five-year journey with fertility treatments before our daughter was born as a result of IVF. I published an EBOOK for the Nook (Barnes and Noble) and Kindle (Amazon) titled “The Longest Love Letter”. The book tells the story of my wife’s amazing strength during that difficult time of our life. It is me speaking directly to my daughter telling her the story of unconventional way she came to be born.

I am thankful for my good fortune but I believe that just because you got what you want you do not forget about your peers in the community still dealing with fertility issues. I will forever support others who take the challenge and journey. I hope that my words can helpful and I hope you get what you want and need from “the process”. I can be reached at my WordPress Blog “The Tao of Pig Pen” and my Facebook page for “The Longest Love Letter EBOOK”. The links are below.

“The Longest Love Letter” Facebook:

“The Tao of Pig Pen” @ WordPress:


Posted on September 18, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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