Infertility: Dealing With Infertility During The Holidays




 The holidays are looming over us like a category four hurricane. We keep seeing the warnings that the storm is coming with every television Christmas commercial that pops up between football and Once Upon A Time. This is a time for people dealing with tough fertility journeys to face the painful truth that another Christmas or Hanukkah will pass without sharing it with a child. Everything about the end of the year holidays screams holidays. The Christmas specials that are on only once a time a year, Santa Clause at the mall, Holiday Meals, and storytelling by the fireplace all scream children. The bigger problem is that you also think of your holiday memories as a child and you want to relive them and better them through your child. For an infertile couple the holidays can be like a major car wreck, you know you should not look but you cannot help to gawk at it. How do you deal with these difficult months when in all likelihood none of your friends understand what is eating at you?

    There are no easy answers but you may consider some of the following ideas. I think one of the most important things a man can do is to throw extra focus on his wife and leave no doubt in her mind how much she means to him. I say it over and over again, “no man marries a women’s reproductive system” so his love for her should not bend if it does not work as efficiently as a couple may like. He should make the extra effort to keep her mind off of their shared struggle. If possible take a long weekend between Thanksgiving and Christmas to a ski resort, or weekend cruise, or just a shopping trip. Make it a holiday neutral location where you can focus on each other. Anticipation leading up to the trip and the high that is left in her mind after the trip can eat up a lot of weeks that she may be beating herself up inside. My wife and I planned a trip to a football game to see her favorite team shortly after a miscarriage that occurred a couple months before the holidays. The game did not make us forget about what we were trying to do but it distracted us for a while.

     I think women could also use this time to focus on themselves. Do something by yourself or with friends that just takes you away. If you can afford it have a spa day with friends that do not have children or plan a couple trips to the comedy club. Laughter truly is the best medicine. The best tears I have shed in my lifetime have been busting a gut over a clever comedic rant. It feels good. You may want to volunteer during the holidays. Help out at a soup kitchen or assisting in an attempt that helps our military over sea. This will keep you distracted, make you feel better, and in some cases remind you of the good things you do have in your life. Again you do not have to plan something every weekend but two or three key events during the holiday can really make them pass without as much notice to the child side of the holidays.

     Try to not allow yourself to be subjected to situations that are going to remind you of the things you want but do not seem to be able to get. Some people are good at handling these situations but for others it is difficult. Business Christmas parties are pretty safe but if you have a friend that is planning a Christmas party with a great deal of focus on children then that may be when you plan that comedy club date with your husband or wife.  It is normal to feel anger or bitterness during the holidays. My wife hating no problem being angry at the pregnant women wearing sweatshirts that had some cut baby comment on it that related to Christmas. It was not personal to the expecting mother but more of a reminder she hated to face. I yearned to put together a gift on Christmas Eve for a child I did not have. If you are a man and want to build something during this time then it would be a great time to find a Habitat For Humanity house to volunteer time at.

     Do not let the holidays beat you. Be defiant and stand up for yourself and your husband or wife. Keep your life active and love each other to death. Hug harder, laugh harder, kiss harder, and make love passionately.   Show each other why you will be such great parents by loving each other to death and laughing in the face of the infertility specter. You never know, staying calm during these times and going through a cycle at the same time may result in the little Christmas miracle you deserve and pine for. I love you all and wish you the best. My wife and I have a picture on a table in our house from that football game I earlier mentioned.

     This week my three old invitro-induced daughter asked me about the picture. I did not tell her the story of why were there but I could not help but to remember what a great job that game did at giving mu wife something to look forward to.


      I live in Virginia Beach with my three-year old daughter and wife. I hope to always give positive vibes to people who walk the path my wife and I did to have a family. I understand the pain and hope to give you hope and make you smile. I can be contacted on my personal Facebook (Andy Thornhill) page at:


     I wrote a book that tells our fertility story. The book is titled “The Longest Love Letter” and can be found on Barnes and Noble and Kindles E-Book websites. Keep the faith friends because sometimes the rainbow lands on you.


Posted on November 5, 2011, in conceiving issues, infertility, IVF, Uncategorized, womens feelings and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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