New Year and New Ambitions
As my friend Chrissy says, “This is going to be great!!!”. That is how I feel about 2012. Do I feel all warm and gishy about the New Year because I get to watch my daughter grow up more yes but that is not what this write will be about. This will be a detailed essay on the things I want to avoid this year and maybe accomplish. The first thing I want to do is join the Occupy Justin Bieber living room movement. I think it is time I recognize Justin for the amazing groundbreaking artist he is and wear my wifes pink Crocs and my best daisy dukes as I smoke a bowl full of Hostess Twinkies in his man cave. That just sounds so wron….right!!!
I think 2012 will be the year I facilitate a flash mob doing the Electric Slide at the White Houses annual Easter Egg Roll. We would all dress up like Ron Paul wearing a Queer Nation flag. I don’t know who would be more confused the FBI or Ron Paul.
There are some things I will try to give up in 2012 though. I will try to stop staring neighbors boobs. They are fantastically large, pendulous, and perky. They look great in the summer heaving out of my neighbors sweaty shirt but the truth is I should show him more respect when he is mowing the lawn. He probably is not aware what his man boobs are doing to me.
I may need to give up drunk Face Booking. I get all juiced up on Banana flavored Mad Dog and the next thing you know I have friended Charlie Sheen and I am attending all night Tiger Blood parties and boinking porn stars. Not good-looking porn stars either but the one that make a home video in their trailer with Ernest Borgnine so they suddenly believe they have a career in films. You Tube is to a movie career what Word Press is the being an established author…wait a minute I resemble that remark.
There are some things I need to get better at in 2012. I need to up my nude ping pong game before the 2014 Olympics. I need to build a spaceship. I need to stop farting in morse code while attending weddings it’s only funny to the groomsmen and my daughter. I need to stop picking my but in public. I need to stop hiding behind the water cooler in the office creating plans to create the perfect Pop Tart. I need to stop dyeing my nasal hair. I need to shave my pet monkey because who doesn’t love a naked monkey. I need to stop snorting Clabber Girl Baking Powder. I need to give more to my favorite charity Bobs Home For Battered Shrimp and Cream Corn. I need to get better playing the nose flute. Last but not least I need to practice doing my Teebow…Peace Out!!!