A Complete Rant Of What The Snake Brings In 2013 And What You Can Expect From This Big Sexy Bastard…




Resolutions, revelations, restitution, ruminations, I can never remember what we are supposed to promise for the New Year. It’s the year of the snake and that alone makes me want to make and keep a great number of promises because I damn sure don’t want a big creepy Chinese snake slithering into my bed in the middle of the night interrupting my dirty dreams with Anne Hathaway and Betty White to remind me of of my poor follow through. So what promises should I surely break this year? They have to be good ones. I promise I will yo yo my weight. I promise to stop smoking, easy enough since I don’t do it but dang it I say it counts. Work makes me nuts and want to smoke but I purge the urge so that is in my favor. Don’t judge me. I promise to stop enticing all you women with my stellar ass. It is a thing of beauty that Rodin himself could have not sculpted quite so perfectly. It just is not fair that I create such lustful wanting especially in church. So thats another guaranteed winner winner chicken dinner. I promise not to make a million dollars because with all this fiscal cliff talk I need to share the wealth. I am a giver folks. A giver with a dreamy ass. I promise to only pick my nose in public and in full view. I really should not keep secrets and I will feel much better if everyone sees this weakness. Nose picking is work and I whistle when I work so if you hear me whistling look the other way. I promise to stop crank calling Kanye West telling him that it was actually Kermit the Frog that knocked up Kim Kardashian. He has a long standing feud with Kermit. I am on team Kermit. Kermit is better behaved and a better rapper. I promise to sleep less at work. While it is efficient in having a better personal life I really get tired of cleaning the drool from my desk. I also am tired of explaining the sleep talking. My co workers are going to eventually have me committed when I continuously sleep talk about being Rapunzel’s personal hair dresser. I think I will make this the year I wear kitten heels on a regular basis, leopard print kitten heels. Fashion is important to me so I am brining back shoulder pads in polo shirts. I want to look strong. I am also going to have extra low cut Polos. I promise my neck line will plunge to my belly button. This will be convenient because I often store my lunchtime turkey sandwich in my belly button. Some people are fashion forward but I am fashion functional. I also promise to lose weight by only eating foods that were blessing by a Rabi named Paco while wearing assless chaps in a Build a Bear. This should prove to be effective and I am saying now to the millions of readers at home that I solely hold the rights to the blockbuster diet book that will follow. I am such a brilliant person sometimes.

What I really promise is to try and be the best me I can be. The best husband and father I can be. To never settle for good enough and to thrive to make all I touch smile. I cannot be more than I am. If I am destined to be a big man so be it but the heart that lies beneath wants everyone it touches to be happy and healthy. Happy New Year friends. I love you all.


Posted on January 2, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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